My Pretentious Bag: A Study of Sustainability

I bought a pretentious bag at whole foods several weeks ago. This was a time, of course, when our gulf was being submersed in endless pools of oil, France and Italy were sent off in the knock out rounds of the world cup and the Executives of BP found themselves more hated than the demon offspring of Adolf Hitler and the great Satan himself.

It’s Evil cant be tamed!

Something had to be done, and evey time i looked out my window, do you want to know what I saw? If not I'm gonna tell you anyway. I saw people driving cars and eating food and throwing away trash and running water. No one was doing shit. It was up to me to make sure that the world would be sustainable for the rest of time, even into and after the apocalypse.

Not pictured: an oil spill

Fortunately I was at whole foods, a chain of stores that specializes in making you feel like you are making a difference, and then charging you for it; a cheap psychiatrist. I was waiting to purchase some authentic Greek yogurt, not Greek granola, and Chilean black cherries when the thought struck me: now, at long last, was my time to take a stand. But how? HOW???? And then I saw it, conveniently located by the self-checkout, which I always use because I fear other people, was a bag. But it was no normal bag. No, not a normal bag in the slightest. This bag was made of 80% recycled... stuff. With this bag, I would never again need use paper bags. Since paper bags are the scourge of the planet, I realized that this would be the perfect way for me to make a difference, to take a stand. I gleefully seized said bag, which proudly proclaimed on it’s side that I am for a sustainable ecosystem, and implied that you aren’t. The bag itself is bright blue and green, depicting landscapes and clouds from the Teletubbies, and looks as if it were stitched together by child slaves who were freed and then put to work somewhere else doing the exact same thing, but now for twice as much.

We love making bags! And forced labor!

My self esteem had never soared so high. I puzzled over exactly how many manatees would be saved by my selflessness, over how many orphans that would find loving families because I opted to not use a paper bag. I finally decided on 5. As I headed home, I knew that the world would soon right itself, due to a little thing called the butterfly effect. Who knows the long lasting ramification of my simple purchase? Someone in Vietnam could have very well encountered a leprechaun, gotten a wish, and snagged his pot of gold because I didn’t use a paper bag!

"Ye found me pot o' Gold!"

And now look what has happened. Oil spill? Plugged. Dengue Fever? Lived through it. Child slave rebellion? Crushed. So next time the world has a problem give me a call. Ill buy another bag.

The Incredible Case of the Junkie Squirrel

“I stared at the squirrel and the squirrel, in turn, stared at me. We had been locked in an ocular standoff, that squirrel and I, for the past 2 minutes and, from the looks of things, the squirrel wasn’t going to back down. Neither was I. As to what I was not backing down from I am still not entirely sure, but I felt that it was vitally important that I gave this squirrel the good ol’ Brock what-for! But how? Squirrels, I have heard, are naturally swifter than most human beings and have an innate ability to carry any number of rare and terrifying diseases, transferred via a bite or a particularly withering look. I was attempting to counter the squirrel’s horrific gaze with a horrific gaze of my own, but the squirrel had been given the upper hand early on when, upon leaping out of a tree, it had taken me completely by surprise. I therefore had a good deal of ground to make up.

“Well, squirrel… may I can you squirrel?” I queried. It continued to stare.

“Ah yes, how rude of me. Mr. Squirrel, then?” the squirrel gave a slight nod, never once breaking eye contact, damn his eyes! “We seem to have reached an impasse. I wish to continue on my way and you wish to continue to stare at me and not move. These two goals, however noble, are unable to coexist. Moreover, if I am unable to pass in the next few minutes, I will become tardy for my class, which is unacceptable. It is imperative, therefore, for us to reach some sort of agreement, maybe a trade? Perhaps I can entice you with… “I began as I reached quickly into my bag but the squirrel, ever alert, switched into a position of readiness and stared ever more intently at my forehead, which began to itch. I scratched my forhead and, realizing my mistake, I removed my other hand and slowly slung my bag onto the ground, opening the top so the squirrel could see what was going on. I was once again given a slight nod.

“Some delicious granola, perhaps?” I said as I extracted a bag containing 340g’s of granola. The squirrels mouth watered in anticipation. I tossed several pieces to the squirrel, who sniffed them cautiously. “Yes, my squirrely nemesis, enjoy the crunchy clusters of organic whole grain rolled oats with organic dried cherries and subtle hint of organic vanilla. Eat your fill!” I whispered evilly as I fed him more and more. The squirrel, sensing something was amiss, paused his eating, his cheeks stuffed comically full, and stared at me. One of it’s eyes began to twitch.

“And so it ends,” I said as I grabbed the label on the Back to Nature Organic Cherry Vanilla Granola bag and began to slowly pull it off, ”for you see, squirrel, that was no ordinary organic granola. Behold!” I ripped the fake label from the bag to reveal a new label that read “FUCKING SQUIRREL POISON.” The squirrel was aghast!

“You undoubtedly considered yourself quite clever, squirrel, in your attempt to steal my delicious granola, but I have been aware of your machinations for quite some time. I first began to suspect something when I realized that you had been watching me through my window last Tuesday. I had gone to check on the weather before I went running and was pleased to discover that it was a wonderfully sunny day. As I turned to take my leave of the window I saw a peculiar glint coming from the rooftop of a black pickup parked on the deck opposite my room. I was intrigued. I threw open the window and, so that I would not reveal my knowledge of your presence, I feigned interest in a student who had just left the building and was walking to her car, who I yelled and waved at. As I waved I was able to get a second look at the roof of the pickup and was surprised to see a squirrel lying on the roof, prone and with a pair of binoculars. It seemed to have been spying on me. I shut the window and closed the blinds as I puzzled over why a squirrel would be watching me.

I soon had my answer when, after returning from an exhilarating jog I found that my room had been ransacked! I was dumbfounded then, but I now believe I can piece together the facts. You had waited on the roof of the truck until I had run by and then forced your way into the building, were you slipped under the rather large crack at the bottom of my door and into the room. Everything was going according to plan. Unfortunately for you there was no granola to be had, for I had finished my last bag that morning and tossed it into the garbage can. I noticed that the bag had been removed from the trashcan and torn to pieces.”

The squirrel looked up at me in utter amazement

“You seem surprised, but let me assure you it was all quite elementary, my dear squirrel. By shear luck some of the plaster which coats the ceiling had fallen off due to my excessively steamy shower and had left a collection of plaster powder on the floor. And in the powder I could see footprints. Squirrel footprints.

I knew I had to act fast, for you must have known that the game was nearly up. I quickly went to my car and headed to Whole Foods and bought two bags of granola and one bag of fucking brand squirrel poison, which was on sale. I emptied one of the granola bags into the squirrel poison and, after mixing the bag well, made the bag of poison appear to be a harmless bag of granola. And that is how it all transpired.”

The squirrel was by now, of course, quite dead. I quickly took an impression of its feet by use of a mold I had brought for that very purpose. I then compared the mold to an outline of the footprints I had found in the plaster dust in my room. They matched perfectly. After asking around for a bit I learned from the other squirrels that this particular squirrel was a no good scoundrel. Apparently, he had become addicted to granola several years ago and was unable to shake the habit. As his money supply dwindled he became more and more desperate and eventually turned to crime, robbing the good people of Samford University, often at gunpoint. But no longer. The administration soon learned of my heroic deed and after I received my medal for unusual cleverness from the president of the school, I remembered that I was still late for class and headed straight over. And that, Dr. Watson, is why I haven’t been to class for the past three days.” I finally finished. The room was quiet except for the distant sound of the lawnmowers that wafted through the window. Dr Watson stared at me, his normally stoic face awash with amazement.

“Well, I say, that was all rather brilliant William, but how did you manage to get the squirrel to meet you on the path?” said Dr. Watson.

“Elementary, my dear… err… Dr. Watson." I explained, "For quite some time I have had the uncanny feeling of being watched every time I walked past the Pete Hanna Center on my way to class, and I rightly surmised that the squirrel must have been watching me from one of the trees that dot the hillside. I simply walked down the path, as if on my way to class, munching on some delicious and healthy organic granola. I knew the squirrel hadn’t had a fix in days and that it would have no choice other than to approach me.”

“Marvelous, simply marvelous William!” exclaimed Dr. Watson, “But now to business. Since you haven’t been with us in quite some time why don’t you start us off translating?” he said

“But of course” I replied as I reached into my bag for my homework. It wasn’t there. My mind suddenly flew back, across the quad, over tailbird circle and up the very path where the squirrel was defeated, through several doors and into my room, where my homework lay on my roommate’s table, just where I left it. I turned to Dr. Watson and smiled sheepishly.

“Charles, you do know that since you have already missed 3 classes I will be forced to fail you if you are unable to present your homework”

“Ah yes, of course.” I said nervously. Thinking fast, I reached for the only thing that I had left in my bag. ”But before I start, I was wondering if anyone would like to sample some delicious granola?”

Behold! The purveyor of dick jokes has been crowned.

Urged on by my friend trevor i have now joined the crack comedy team at cracked.com in order to try and crack some money out of my articles I have posted on my blog. When one joins cracked and is accepted into their writing staff (which numbers a little less than 150 thousand!) one's screen name is given the epithet "purveyor of dick jokes". So as it stands, I am a purveyor of dick jokes, of which i am very proud. After much consideration as to what to send in, I decided to post my running article because it is more their style than the movie one. They only wanted a sample of it to "whet their appetite" so I just put the first paragraph and the silver bullet. Hopefully they will deem it worthy to be taken into the "under consideration" folder and from there, if i am very lucky, it will be featured next week and i will earn 50 dollars. Wish me luck. If you guys have any ideas about was I can edit the article and make it better feel free to post them on facebook. I should have another post coming up soon. thanks

How come no one has ever won more than 1 best picture award at once?

As I posted links to my now (nearly) world famous blog on Facebook, I was plagued by the personification of annoying: Security Questions. That is the facebook term. Most other people would call them worthless bullshit. The security questions are pictures of two words that have been morphed and stretched beyond recognition and then placed in front of shapes. You are meant to decode this fragmented mess and type the “words” into a separate box to prove that you are a human being who can read and, I assume, has a degree in cryptology. They exists to make sure that people do not create programs that spam posts on forums, facebook, twitter or what have you. I have no degree in cryptology but I can read better than (most) 5th graders, so I was able to post my blog successfully after a mere 10 or so tries. Per person. And each time I failed, they gave me new words to decipher. Great.

While I was doing this, a thought occurred to me. In the right context, some of these “security” phrases could be cracker-jack movie titles! They are always so nonsensical and weird that I think the company that makes them must have a secret cadre of word slaves who thumb through dictionaries and come up with endless supply of the most bizarre combinations of adjectives and nouns imaginable, which are then inserted into these security questions. So while I was posting on somebody’s facebook page, I decided to click “give me new words” 10 times and write the phrases down. I then turned these into the best movie ideas the world has every seen, and all I can say is that at the next acadamy awards

James Cameron better watch out!

About erosion:

An artsy film about a family in Nevada who return to their home only to find it has been completely eroded. By erosion. Now homeless, they head to vegas to seek their fortunes as an all-family band, but the erosion follows them wherever they go. Can they escape the evil machinations of nature or will they themselves become…ERODED?

Three senator:

A feel good romp for the whole family! A senator from California finds out that he has 2 identical twin brothers who he has never met because they were sent away to avoid being killed by pharaoh, or so his mom says, but she has gone completely mad in her old age. The brothers become great friends and decide to take turns going to senate so they can have more time off for fun. Hilarity ensues

The tanked:

A college party goes horribly awry when a large quantity of mysterious beer that no one remembers bringing shows up and is consumed, turning frat boys into Hideous drunken zombies. Can’t the cure be discovered in time?

The reposed:

A family man finds himself awake after spending the last 40 years in a coma. He is now 73 and has an incredible hospital bill to pay and only one way to pay it off: he has to find and capture Osama Bin Laden.

From Buntings:

A British man from the town of Buntings 120 years in the future travels back in time to a mid 80’s Chicago to meet his great grandfather and warn him about a few things so their family will be insanely rich in the future. He ends up learning a thing or two about himself and decides his family is fine just the way it is.

Cozily these:

The epic sci-fi trilogy of an old cat-lady (an old woman with no friends but her cats) who ends up being kidnapped by aliens from modern day earth and forced into slavery on some far away planet. She escapes and later accidentally rescues the galaxy from some sort of ancient evil and or phantom menace.

Automate May:

The world has grown fed up with the month of May and has created a device that makes everyone fast forward through may. They essentially fall asleep on April 30th, live on autopilot for the whole month of May, and wake up in June! Of course, hilarity ensues when they find out that things weren’t as they left them! Why do we now have a giraffe honey? When did all these robots show up? Where are the kids? Find out next May!

State’s stale:

The state of Wisconsin was going great, until they sent Bret Favre away to Minnesota! All of a sudden, the state’s massive quantities of cheese began going stale for no reason! After scientists realize why the cheese is going stale (the absence of Favretrons in the atmosphere), a crack team of cheese factory workers (Sylvester Stallone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Murray from Flight of the Conchords, Jason Statham and Aziz Ansari) is assembled with one purpose in mind: to get Brett Favre to come back, by any means necessary!

Defining 65:

Two brothers from south Alabama who hate each other decide to drive the whole extent of I-65 with their dying father, who is also 65, in order to reconnect. On they way they get waylaid by Somali pirates, find bigfoot, and learn a little bit about what it is to be family. Oh, and their father learns he doesn’t actually have cancer, because this is a comedy.

Executive Ghosts:

Roger Rogers, a newly appointed executive of BP, finds out that his office is haunted by the ghosts of exec’s past, who all collaborate with him to clean up the oil spill, after he does a few quests for them. Rogers learns a valuable lesson about how important it is to FUCKING BUILD STUFF CORRECTLY AND NOT CUT CORNERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR COMPANY ALREADY MAKES 200 BILLION DOLLARs ANNUAL PROFIT, YOU JACKASS!!!