My Pretentious Bag: A Study of Sustainability

I bought a pretentious bag at whole foods several weeks ago. This was a time, of course, when our gulf was being submersed in endless pools of oil, France and Italy were sent off in the knock out rounds of the world cup and the Executives of BP found themselves more hated than the demon offspring of Adolf Hitler and the great Satan himself.

It’s Evil cant be tamed!

Something had to be done, and evey time i looked out my window, do you want to know what I saw? If not I'm gonna tell you anyway. I saw people driving cars and eating food and throwing away trash and running water. No one was doing shit. It was up to me to make sure that the world would be sustainable for the rest of time, even into and after the apocalypse.

Not pictured: an oil spill

Fortunately I was at whole foods, a chain of stores that specializes in making you feel like you are making a difference, and then charging you for it; a cheap psychiatrist. I was waiting to purchase some authentic Greek yogurt, not Greek granola, and Chilean black cherries when the thought struck me: now, at long last, was my time to take a stand. But how? HOW???? And then I saw it, conveniently located by the self-checkout, which I always use because I fear other people, was a bag. But it was no normal bag. No, not a normal bag in the slightest. This bag was made of 80% recycled... stuff. With this bag, I would never again need use paper bags. Since paper bags are the scourge of the planet, I realized that this would be the perfect way for me to make a difference, to take a stand. I gleefully seized said bag, which proudly proclaimed on it’s side that I am for a sustainable ecosystem, and implied that you aren’t. The bag itself is bright blue and green, depicting landscapes and clouds from the Teletubbies, and looks as if it were stitched together by child slaves who were freed and then put to work somewhere else doing the exact same thing, but now for twice as much.

We love making bags! And forced labor!

My self esteem had never soared so high. I puzzled over exactly how many manatees would be saved by my selflessness, over how many orphans that would find loving families because I opted to not use a paper bag. I finally decided on 5. As I headed home, I knew that the world would soon right itself, due to a little thing called the butterfly effect. Who knows the long lasting ramification of my simple purchase? Someone in Vietnam could have very well encountered a leprechaun, gotten a wish, and snagged his pot of gold because I didn’t use a paper bag!

"Ye found me pot o' Gold!"

And now look what has happened. Oil spill? Plugged. Dengue Fever? Lived through it. Child slave rebellion? Crushed. So next time the world has a problem give me a call. Ill buy another bag.

20,000,000,000 to nil

In only a few hours the revolutionary war will start all over again with the United States playing England in both team's first game of the world cup. An exciting prospect indeed, and it is made even more exciting by all the hype and advertising the match has received, and by the fact that this is the United States best chance to advance in the tournament in quite some time. This match is like Rocky vs. Winston churchill: 90 minutes of mayhem!

Of course, the English aren't worried, and we all remember how not worrying has turned out for them in the past:

"Aww come on guys, its just Poland!"

They are the heavy favorite and ,if you were to listen to them, you would think that the game will be a complete and utter rout. But i don't listen to anyone, ever! And neither should you. So if you are listening to someone right now, stop. Stop it! Anyway, America seems to have decent chances, and I'm pretty sure our coach is a robot, which is awesome!

In any event, as I see it, there are only 4 ways this thing can pan out:

The Complete and Utter Rout

"Our goals will blot out the sun!"

England holds true to their word and delivers an unholy beatdown of scoring. Wayne Rooney spends the first few minutes of the match calmly sipping tea with David James (keeper) in the center of their goal while the rest of the team attempts to be as condescending as possible, which will lower the american's self esteem to such an extent that they will simply lay face down and cry while the english score whenever they grow tired of laughing. Finally, Rooney will exit the stadium at half time and finish the match scoring goals all the way from England, because he can.

The Hallmark Original Movie

".............." - Everyone

Estimated score: "............"

90 minutes of a pack of men kicking a ball around a field. Nothing awesome happens. At least nothing as awesome as Paul Pierce punching a guy in the face because he was just that pumped. This would end in a tie, which is bad for england, but good for us and therefor this result is acceptable.

The Cluster-Fuck

Imagine this, but with cleats!

Estimated Score: No one can find the score keepers

This is when shit hits the fan. Red cards, red cards, red cards, and more red cards. It is well known that when soccer players perform horribly, they get frustrated, and when they get frustrated, they shout, and when they shout they get angry, and you wouldn't like them when they are angry because they fucking kill people. The grass of South Africa will be fed with the blood of footballers if this sort of match occurs. Expect bullshit like this to happen, too.

The Pwnage Fiesta

I don't believe what I'm seeing but it appears that George washington has appeared in the middle of the pitch! He looks about 12 stories high and seemingly is made out of radiation. He's got possession of the ball and OH GOD NO!!! NO!!! N.........." transmission cut off.

Estimated score: 20,000,000,000 to 0, US wins

America owns. Hard. This match will go down in history as the most fucking insane thing to happen during anything ever. There will be no survivors. June the 12th will be stricken from calendars for over 1000 years and england doesn't play soccer again. Ever. This is obviously the most desirable option, since america gets 3 points, and those points will be valuable in advancing beyond the group stage. America would alot of momentum behind it after a victory of this caliber, which will help in the later matches. Downside: whichever stadium the match takes place in will be a crater, which wouldn't really be fair to south africa.

Regardless of which outcome the game ends up being, I'm super excited. I've spent most of my four hour work shift reading previews online. As a comment to one of the ESPN articles someone posted the Metallica song don't tread on me. I thought that was pretty good advice. So to England I suppose the only thing to say is this: Don't tread on me... or us, rather. The U.S. Or maybe it would be Don't tread on them (the team). In fact, I believe it would be in Englands best interest to tread on no one. I hear they frown on that in soccer, unless of course you could manage to touch the ball. Then you could do all the treading you wished! So i guess what I'm saying here is don;t tread on the us team unless you have managed to touch the ball, and if you have managed to touch the ball and are ready to tread, please tread lightly.

The Incredible Case of the Junkie Squirrel

“I stared at the squirrel and the squirrel, in turn, stared at me. We had been locked in an ocular standoff, that squirrel and I, for the past 2 minutes and, from the looks of things, the squirrel wasn’t going to back down. Neither was I. As to what I was not backing down from I am still not entirely sure, but I felt that it was vitally important that I gave this squirrel the good ol’ Brock what-for! But how? Squirrels, I have heard, are naturally swifter than most human beings and have an innate ability to carry any number of rare and terrifying diseases, transferred via a bite or a particularly withering look. I was attempting to counter the squirrel’s horrific gaze with a horrific gaze of my own, but the squirrel had been given the upper hand early on when, upon leaping out of a tree, it had taken me completely by surprise. I therefore had a good deal of ground to make up.

“Well, squirrel… may I can you squirrel?” I queried. It continued to stare.

“Ah yes, how rude of me. Mr. Squirrel, then?” the squirrel gave a slight nod, never once breaking eye contact, damn his eyes! “We seem to have reached an impasse. I wish to continue on my way and you wish to continue to stare at me and not move. These two goals, however noble, are unable to coexist. Moreover, if I am unable to pass in the next few minutes, I will become tardy for my class, which is unacceptable. It is imperative, therefore, for us to reach some sort of agreement, maybe a trade? Perhaps I can entice you with… “I began as I reached quickly into my bag but the squirrel, ever alert, switched into a position of readiness and stared ever more intently at my forehead, which began to itch. I scratched my forhead and, realizing my mistake, I removed my other hand and slowly slung my bag onto the ground, opening the top so the squirrel could see what was going on. I was once again given a slight nod.

“Some delicious granola, perhaps?” I said as I extracted a bag containing 340g’s of granola. The squirrels mouth watered in anticipation. I tossed several pieces to the squirrel, who sniffed them cautiously. “Yes, my squirrely nemesis, enjoy the crunchy clusters of organic whole grain rolled oats with organic dried cherries and subtle hint of organic vanilla. Eat your fill!” I whispered evilly as I fed him more and more. The squirrel, sensing something was amiss, paused his eating, his cheeks stuffed comically full, and stared at me. One of it’s eyes began to twitch.

“And so it ends,” I said as I grabbed the label on the Back to Nature Organic Cherry Vanilla Granola bag and began to slowly pull it off, ”for you see, squirrel, that was no ordinary organic granola. Behold!” I ripped the fake label from the bag to reveal a new label that read “FUCKING SQUIRREL POISON.” The squirrel was aghast!

“You undoubtedly considered yourself quite clever, squirrel, in your attempt to steal my delicious granola, but I have been aware of your machinations for quite some time. I first began to suspect something when I realized that you had been watching me through my window last Tuesday. I had gone to check on the weather before I went running and was pleased to discover that it was a wonderfully sunny day. As I turned to take my leave of the window I saw a peculiar glint coming from the rooftop of a black pickup parked on the deck opposite my room. I was intrigued. I threw open the window and, so that I would not reveal my knowledge of your presence, I feigned interest in a student who had just left the building and was walking to her car, who I yelled and waved at. As I waved I was able to get a second look at the roof of the pickup and was surprised to see a squirrel lying on the roof, prone and with a pair of binoculars. It seemed to have been spying on me. I shut the window and closed the blinds as I puzzled over why a squirrel would be watching me.

I soon had my answer when, after returning from an exhilarating jog I found that my room had been ransacked! I was dumbfounded then, but I now believe I can piece together the facts. You had waited on the roof of the truck until I had run by and then forced your way into the building, were you slipped under the rather large crack at the bottom of my door and into the room. Everything was going according to plan. Unfortunately for you there was no granola to be had, for I had finished my last bag that morning and tossed it into the garbage can. I noticed that the bag had been removed from the trashcan and torn to pieces.”

The squirrel looked up at me in utter amazement

“You seem surprised, but let me assure you it was all quite elementary, my dear squirrel. By shear luck some of the plaster which coats the ceiling had fallen off due to my excessively steamy shower and had left a collection of plaster powder on the floor. And in the powder I could see footprints. Squirrel footprints.

I knew I had to act fast, for you must have known that the game was nearly up. I quickly went to my car and headed to Whole Foods and bought two bags of granola and one bag of fucking brand squirrel poison, which was on sale. I emptied one of the granola bags into the squirrel poison and, after mixing the bag well, made the bag of poison appear to be a harmless bag of granola. And that is how it all transpired.”

The squirrel was by now, of course, quite dead. I quickly took an impression of its feet by use of a mold I had brought for that very purpose. I then compared the mold to an outline of the footprints I had found in the plaster dust in my room. They matched perfectly. After asking around for a bit I learned from the other squirrels that this particular squirrel was a no good scoundrel. Apparently, he had become addicted to granola several years ago and was unable to shake the habit. As his money supply dwindled he became more and more desperate and eventually turned to crime, robbing the good people of Samford University, often at gunpoint. But no longer. The administration soon learned of my heroic deed and after I received my medal for unusual cleverness from the president of the school, I remembered that I was still late for class and headed straight over. And that, Dr. Watson, is why I haven’t been to class for the past three days.” I finally finished. The room was quiet except for the distant sound of the lawnmowers that wafted through the window. Dr Watson stared at me, his normally stoic face awash with amazement.

“Well, I say, that was all rather brilliant William, but how did you manage to get the squirrel to meet you on the path?” said Dr. Watson.

“Elementary, my dear… err… Dr. Watson." I explained, "For quite some time I have had the uncanny feeling of being watched every time I walked past the Pete Hanna Center on my way to class, and I rightly surmised that the squirrel must have been watching me from one of the trees that dot the hillside. I simply walked down the path, as if on my way to class, munching on some delicious and healthy organic granola. I knew the squirrel hadn’t had a fix in days and that it would have no choice other than to approach me.”

“Marvelous, simply marvelous William!” exclaimed Dr. Watson, “But now to business. Since you haven’t been with us in quite some time why don’t you start us off translating?” he said

“But of course” I replied as I reached into my bag for my homework. It wasn’t there. My mind suddenly flew back, across the quad, over tailbird circle and up the very path where the squirrel was defeated, through several doors and into my room, where my homework lay on my roommate’s table, just where I left it. I turned to Dr. Watson and smiled sheepishly.

“Charles, you do know that since you have already missed 3 classes I will be forced to fail you if you are unable to present your homework”

“Ah yes, of course.” I said nervously. Thinking fast, I reached for the only thing that I had left in my bag. ”But before I start, I was wondering if anyone would like to sample some delicious granola?”

Behold! The purveyor of dick jokes has been crowned.

Urged on by my friend trevor i have now joined the crack comedy team at cracked.com in order to try and crack some money out of my articles I have posted on my blog. When one joins cracked and is accepted into their writing staff (which numbers a little less than 150 thousand!) one's screen name is given the epithet "purveyor of dick jokes". So as it stands, I am a purveyor of dick jokes, of which i am very proud. After much consideration as to what to send in, I decided to post my running article because it is more their style than the movie one. They only wanted a sample of it to "whet their appetite" so I just put the first paragraph and the silver bullet. Hopefully they will deem it worthy to be taken into the "under consideration" folder and from there, if i am very lucky, it will be featured next week and i will earn 50 dollars. Wish me luck. If you guys have any ideas about was I can edit the article and make it better feel free to post them on facebook. I should have another post coming up soon. thanks

How come no one has ever won more than 1 best picture award at once?

As I posted links to my now (nearly) world famous blog on Facebook, I was plagued by the personification of annoying: Security Questions. That is the facebook term. Most other people would call them worthless bullshit. The security questions are pictures of two words that have been morphed and stretched beyond recognition and then placed in front of shapes. You are meant to decode this fragmented mess and type the “words” into a separate box to prove that you are a human being who can read and, I assume, has a degree in cryptology. They exists to make sure that people do not create programs that spam posts on forums, facebook, twitter or what have you. I have no degree in cryptology but I can read better than (most) 5th graders, so I was able to post my blog successfully after a mere 10 or so tries. Per person. And each time I failed, they gave me new words to decipher. Great.

While I was doing this, a thought occurred to me. In the right context, some of these “security” phrases could be cracker-jack movie titles! They are always so nonsensical and weird that I think the company that makes them must have a secret cadre of word slaves who thumb through dictionaries and come up with endless supply of the most bizarre combinations of adjectives and nouns imaginable, which are then inserted into these security questions. So while I was posting on somebody’s facebook page, I decided to click “give me new words” 10 times and write the phrases down. I then turned these into the best movie ideas the world has every seen, and all I can say is that at the next acadamy awards

James Cameron better watch out!

About erosion:

An artsy film about a family in Nevada who return to their home only to find it has been completely eroded. By erosion. Now homeless, they head to vegas to seek their fortunes as an all-family band, but the erosion follows them wherever they go. Can they escape the evil machinations of nature or will they themselves become…ERODED?

Three senator:

A feel good romp for the whole family! A senator from California finds out that he has 2 identical twin brothers who he has never met because they were sent away to avoid being killed by pharaoh, or so his mom says, but she has gone completely mad in her old age. The brothers become great friends and decide to take turns going to senate so they can have more time off for fun. Hilarity ensues

The tanked:

A college party goes horribly awry when a large quantity of mysterious beer that no one remembers bringing shows up and is consumed, turning frat boys into Hideous drunken zombies. Can’t the cure be discovered in time?

The reposed:

A family man finds himself awake after spending the last 40 years in a coma. He is now 73 and has an incredible hospital bill to pay and only one way to pay it off: he has to find and capture Osama Bin Laden.

From Buntings:

A British man from the town of Buntings 120 years in the future travels back in time to a mid 80’s Chicago to meet his great grandfather and warn him about a few things so their family will be insanely rich in the future. He ends up learning a thing or two about himself and decides his family is fine just the way it is.

Cozily these:

The epic sci-fi trilogy of an old cat-lady (an old woman with no friends but her cats) who ends up being kidnapped by aliens from modern day earth and forced into slavery on some far away planet. She escapes and later accidentally rescues the galaxy from some sort of ancient evil and or phantom menace.

Automate May:

The world has grown fed up with the month of May and has created a device that makes everyone fast forward through may. They essentially fall asleep on April 30th, live on autopilot for the whole month of May, and wake up in June! Of course, hilarity ensues when they find out that things weren’t as they left them! Why do we now have a giraffe honey? When did all these robots show up? Where are the kids? Find out next May!

State’s stale:

The state of Wisconsin was going great, until they sent Bret Favre away to Minnesota! All of a sudden, the state’s massive quantities of cheese began going stale for no reason! After scientists realize why the cheese is going stale (the absence of Favretrons in the atmosphere), a crack team of cheese factory workers (Sylvester Stallone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Murray from Flight of the Conchords, Jason Statham and Aziz Ansari) is assembled with one purpose in mind: to get Brett Favre to come back, by any means necessary!

Defining 65:

Two brothers from south Alabama who hate each other decide to drive the whole extent of I-65 with their dying father, who is also 65, in order to reconnect. On they way they get waylaid by Somali pirates, find bigfoot, and learn a little bit about what it is to be family. Oh, and their father learns he doesn’t actually have cancer, because this is a comedy.

Executive Ghosts:

Roger Rogers, a newly appointed executive of BP, finds out that his office is haunted by the ghosts of exec’s past, who all collaborate with him to clean up the oil spill, after he does a few quests for them. Rogers learns a valuable lesson about how important it is to FUCKING BUILD STUFF CORRECTLY AND NOT CUT CORNERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR COMPANY ALREADY MAKES 200 BILLION DOLLARs ANNUAL PROFIT, YOU JACKASS!!!

Power Leg(s)!

In anticipation of the World cup, my roommate and I have been, as we call it, practicing soccer, or, as onlookers call it, flailing about like idiots. It has been a wonderful way to spend my afternoons, apart for the swarms of gnats that seem to think my head is an all you can land buffet. It isnt. Unfortunately, I have recently come down with a self diagnosed condition I like to call "Soccer leg." Since I am right footed, my right leg has been infused with incredible power while my left leg has resigned itself to wither away in disuse. The problems with this are twofold: firstly, my right leg is slightly larger and more buff than my left and scientists speculate that if the current trend continues my right leg will continue its unparalleled growth and, I fear, end up absorbing my left leg, much like a fratricidal twin in the womb, and I will be left with one all-powerful Gargantuleg. Secondly, as I discovered today whilst running, the extra use that has given my right leg it's strength also weakens it after a soccer practice, and around a mile into my run I found myself with an over-exerted right leg. This was my left legs chance! It desperately wanted me to press on, but sadly for me (and for my left leg) all I could manage was a swift hobble, which is slower than a lethargic stroll. All seemed lost. It was not however a total waste, for my slowness of pace did allow me to take note of my fellow "runners" and I, like any insane person would have done, began to categorize them into several Archetypes, 5 of which i will display now.

The Running Archetypes

A study by Charles Brock

1. Fat Woman With Dog

The first person one sees on a running path is always a fat woman. With a dog. They seem to congregate around the beginning of paths and never stray father than the middle. Pink of face and heavy of step, these woman are oft found with comically large water bottles and are always in some sort of pink exercise attire, most likely bought at the same store. Why they have the dog is a mystery to me. It's not like they are taking a stroll down MLK blvd or the DMZ between the two Koreas. What use is a dog? The dogs themselves are seldom terrifying, or even worrisome. Their stature could best be described as bite-sized. I began to think that every obese woman just naturally brought a dog everywhere they went, be it walking on a path, McDonald's, surgery or any number of other activities. But then I became aware of some fat women heading towards me with no dogs at all. This puzzled me for quite some time, because i seemed to remember that these women used to have dogs. Where could they have gone? And then I realized that the main difference between obese women with and without dogs wasn't something tangible, it was merely a matter of time. For you see, they headed down the trail with their furry friends in tow, yet they returned with nothing but full(er) bellies. They had been eaten!

2. The Inexplicable Children

The inexplicable children are possibly the most baffling archetype of all. They are simply kids, wandering about on the running trail for no reason whatsoever, and doing nothing apart from being bothersome. If someone tripped over a child they could seriously injure themselves! These kids are just wandering about with no supervision whatsoever, getting in everyone's way. I mean, who fucking does that?? Who lets their kids wander around a running path by a busy road?? If I were a child molester, my job (hobby?) would have been made laughably easy by these inept parents. They would take to being kidnapped like daisies to a plucking...

Moreover, who are these children? Where did they come from? Where are their parents? Why are they galavanting about on a running path? The answer to these questions, however, lie in the same place as the answers to the questions of Lost: nowhere.

"You mean you actually watched the whole thing? LOL!"

3. Bike Guy

The second most feared archetype in the outdoor fitness world, this guy doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything except biking and pissing people off. He will run you down as if you were the little kid in gladiator and not even think twice about it, and there is no Russel Crowe to exact revenge for you (probably). For some reason he prefers to bike on paths too narrow to pass obese walking dog ladies, or even regular runners/strollers/squirrels/anything. And yet he does pass...with a vengeance. Most often when bikes are coming up on you, you hear the clank of metal or the bike chain or something, but not when this asshole approaches. When this guy comes up on you, you'll only know it by a whoosh of air to your left, an unexplainable bike which has just appeared 20 meters in front of you and is receding at a breakneck speed, and a vague feeling that you should be dead but have somehow narrowly avoided your fate. Since I didn't have my scanner with me I couldn't get an accurate reading when a bike guy passed by me today, but his power level must have been somewhere in the range of 9000!

But there was no way that could be right...

4. Out of Place Couple

Most people come outside to exercise, but not these guys. Normally a middle aged husband and wife, these people may not be burning the calories, but they like to pretend that they are. They dress up in sporting paraphernalia and have water bottles, so they are exercising, right? They often wander side to side on the path in unpredictable patterns that can be hazardous to other trail users.

5. The Silver Bullet

The most feared man in the running world, the silver bullet is indeed a force to be reckoned with. He is faster than many runners will ever be in their prime, and the dude is 90 something years old! Like the bike guy, the only thing keeping the silver bullet alive is the constant movement and endorphin rush of running, and run he does. Faster than the dreaded Cassowary, the silver bullet can even reach speeds fast enough to travel back in time! Who could make it so that you were never born. Or he could be your father. Perhaps he is everyone's father. Who can know except for him? Some even attribute near magical powers to him, akin to the force. Be afraid.

"Skateboarding on my sidewalk, you young rascals? FEEL MY RAGE!"

What the hell twitter?

Top tweet today: Lindsay Lohan had her wisdom teeth removed and... Who. Fucking. Cares? Honestly, why do people feel the need to have celebrities constantly barrage them with inane trivialities like lindsay Lohan getting her teeth removed, or T. O. learning how to speak or John Mayer having his penis surgically reattached. Again. If she had gotten all her teeth removed, I might care, but I would only care because i would be curious as to why someone would need all of their teeth removed. Perhaps so they could have sharpened metallic teeth installed, or so they would stop biting their tongue. Either wayhe tweet would have been far more interesting if Lohan had all of her teeth removed and not just a measly two teeth. No teeth is cool teeth. As it is, I have seen several people who have no teeth. Most of them were homeless and/or completely insane, and sometimes they would yell at me and flash their genitalia, which is something they have in common with Lindsay Lohan. They also share the joy of my complete apathy, apart from being blogged about.

But I think the reason that people tweet about Lindsay Lohan's teeth or Gossip Girl actors caught with pot is because there is an inherent problem in websites like twitter and facebook: people think they are interesting. But really, they arent. Most people have nothing interesting to say at all, and just blabber about meaningless dribble like its important. And then they expect me to care. You went to the grocery store today? No way!! You hate red lights? Holy shit! ME TOO!!!! You ran over another bunny on your way home from school? Whoop-de-doo. People should just focus on stuff that is important, like I did in my last facebook status. A kid in norway was out playing with his sister in some woods or something, and a moose attacked them. A fucking moose! Thinking fast, the kid started yelling insults at moose and drew aggro so his sister could escape. And then, since he was a lvl 30 hunter, feigned death. And the moose left! The kid learned this trick from World Of Warcraft!! He pretended to die, using the same overdramatic animation from that the video game had taught him oh so well, and it fucking worked. The moose, who I assume is an avid WoW player, knew the game was up and just left.

t

He was late for a raid

This is the kind of stuff we need to be tweeting about. Moose stuff. Did you know that a moose, when enraged by assholes shooting tranquilizer darts at it, can destroy a Helicopter? You do now! Did you know that there is an entire website dedicated to moose related news and facts? Guess what, there fucking is! It even has its own moosey icon on the left of it's google chrome tab. Classy! This is the kind of stuff we need to tweet about. The important stuff. The moose stuff.