BEHOLD!

BEHOLD!
My Mighty Doom Awaits You!

Friday, June 11, 2010

20,000,000,000 to nil


In only a few hours the revolutionary war will start all over again with the United States playing England in both team's first game of the world cup. An exciting prospect indeed, and it is made even more exciting by all the hype and advertising the match has received, and by the fact that this is the United States best chance to advance in the tournament in quite some time. This match is like Rocky vs. Winston churchill: 90 minutes of mayhem!

Of course, the English aren't worried, and we all remember how not worrying has turned out for them in the past:
"Aww come on guys, its just Poland!"

They are the heavy favorite and ,if you were to listen to them, you would think that the game will be a complete and utter rout. But i don't listen to anyone, ever! And neither should you. So if you are listening to someone right now, stop. Stop it! Anyway, America seems to have decent chances, and I'm pretty sure our coach is a robot, which is awesome!

In any event, as I see it, there are only 4 ways this thing can pan out:

The Complete and Utter Rout

"Our goals will blot out the sun!"

England holds true to their word and delivers an unholy beatdown of scoring. Wayne Rooney spends the first few minutes of the match calmly sipping tea with David James (keeper) in the center of their goal while the rest of the team attempts to be as condescending as possible, which will lower the american's self esteem to such an extent that they will simply lay face down and cry while the english score whenever they grow tired of laughing. Finally, Rooney will exit the stadium at half time and finish the match scoring goals all the way from England, because he can.


The Hallmark Original Movie

".............." - Everyone

Estimated score: "............"

90 minutes of a pack of men kicking a ball around a field. Nothing awesome happens. At least nothing as awesome as Paul Pierce punching a guy in the face because he was just that pumped. This would end in a tie, which is bad for england, but good for us and therefor this result is acceptable.

The Cluster-Fuck

Imagine this, but with cleats!

Estimated Score: No one can find the score keepers

This is when shit hits the fan. Red cards, red cards, red cards, and more red cards. It is well known that when soccer players perform horribly, they get frustrated, and when they get frustrated, they shout, and when they shout they get angry, and you wouldn't like them when they are angry because they fucking kill people. The grass of South Africa will be fed with the blood of footballers if this sort of match occurs. Expect bullshit like this to happen, too.

The Pwnage Fiesta
I don't believe what I'm seeing but it appears that George washington has appeared in the middle of the pitch! He looks about 12 stories high and seemingly is made out of radiation. He's got possession of the ball and OH GOD NO!!! NO!!! N.........." transmission cut off.

Estimated score: 20,000,000,000 to 0, US wins
America owns. Hard. This match will go down in history as the most fucking insane thing to happen during anything ever. There will be no survivors. June the 12th will be stricken from calendars for over 1000 years and england doesn't play soccer again. Ever. This is obviously the most desirable option, since america gets 3 points, and those points will be valuable in advancing beyond the group stage. America would alot of momentum behind it after a victory of this caliber, which will help in the later matches. Downside: whichever stadium the match takes place in will be a crater, which wouldn't really be fair to south africa.

Regardless of which outcome the game ends up being, I'm super excited. I've spent most of my four hour work shift reading previews online. As a comment to one of the ESPN articles someone posted the Metallica song don't tread on me. I thought that was pretty good advice. So to England I suppose the only thing to say is this: Don't tread on me... or us, rather. The U.S. Or maybe it would be Don't tread on them (the team). In fact, I believe it would be in Englands best interest to tread on no one. I hear they frown on that in soccer, unless of course you could manage to touch the ball. Then you could do all the treading you wished! So i guess what I'm saying here is don;t tread on the us team unless you have managed to touch the ball, and if you have managed to touch the ball and are ready to tread, please tread lightly.

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