The Incredible Case of the Junkie Squirrel

“I stared at the squirrel and the squirrel, in turn, stared at me. We had been locked in an ocular standoff, that squirrel and I, for the past 2 minutes and, from the looks of things, the squirrel wasn’t going to back down. Neither was I. As to what I was not backing down from I am still not entirely sure, but I felt that it was vitally important that I gave this squirrel the good ol’ Brock what-for! But how? Squirrels, I have heard, are naturally swifter than most human beings and have an innate ability to carry any number of rare and terrifying diseases, transferred via a bite or a particularly withering look. I was attempting to counter the squirrel’s horrific gaze with a horrific gaze of my own, but the squirrel had been given the upper hand early on when, upon leaping out of a tree, it had taken me completely by surprise. I therefore had a good deal of ground to make up.

“Well, squirrel… may I can you squirrel?” I queried. It continued to stare.

“Ah yes, how rude of me. Mr. Squirrel, then?” the squirrel gave a slight nod, never once breaking eye contact, damn his eyes! “We seem to have reached an impasse. I wish to continue on my way and you wish to continue to stare at me and not move. These two goals, however noble, are unable to coexist. Moreover, if I am unable to pass in the next few minutes, I will become tardy for my class, which is unacceptable. It is imperative, therefore, for us to reach some sort of agreement, maybe a trade? Perhaps I can entice you with… “I began as I reached quickly into my bag but the squirrel, ever alert, switched into a position of readiness and stared ever more intently at my forehead, which began to itch. I scratched my forhead and, realizing my mistake, I removed my other hand and slowly slung my bag onto the ground, opening the top so the squirrel could see what was going on. I was once again given a slight nod.

“Some delicious granola, perhaps?” I said as I extracted a bag containing 340g’s of granola. The squirrels mouth watered in anticipation. I tossed several pieces to the squirrel, who sniffed them cautiously. “Yes, my squirrely nemesis, enjoy the crunchy clusters of organic whole grain rolled oats with organic dried cherries and subtle hint of organic vanilla. Eat your fill!” I whispered evilly as I fed him more and more. The squirrel, sensing something was amiss, paused his eating, his cheeks stuffed comically full, and stared at me. One of it’s eyes began to twitch.

“And so it ends,” I said as I grabbed the label on the Back to Nature Organic Cherry Vanilla Granola bag and began to slowly pull it off, ”for you see, squirrel, that was no ordinary organic granola. Behold!” I ripped the fake label from the bag to reveal a new label that read “FUCKING SQUIRREL POISON.” The squirrel was aghast!

“You undoubtedly considered yourself quite clever, squirrel, in your attempt to steal my delicious granola, but I have been aware of your machinations for quite some time. I first began to suspect something when I realized that you had been watching me through my window last Tuesday. I had gone to check on the weather before I went running and was pleased to discover that it was a wonderfully sunny day. As I turned to take my leave of the window I saw a peculiar glint coming from the rooftop of a black pickup parked on the deck opposite my room. I was intrigued. I threw open the window and, so that I would not reveal my knowledge of your presence, I feigned interest in a student who had just left the building and was walking to her car, who I yelled and waved at. As I waved I was able to get a second look at the roof of the pickup and was surprised to see a squirrel lying on the roof, prone and with a pair of binoculars. It seemed to have been spying on me. I shut the window and closed the blinds as I puzzled over why a squirrel would be watching me.

I soon had my answer when, after returning from an exhilarating jog I found that my room had been ransacked! I was dumbfounded then, but I now believe I can piece together the facts. You had waited on the roof of the truck until I had run by and then forced your way into the building, were you slipped under the rather large crack at the bottom of my door and into the room. Everything was going according to plan. Unfortunately for you there was no granola to be had, for I had finished my last bag that morning and tossed it into the garbage can. I noticed that the bag had been removed from the trashcan and torn to pieces.”

The squirrel looked up at me in utter amazement

“You seem surprised, but let me assure you it was all quite elementary, my dear squirrel. By shear luck some of the plaster which coats the ceiling had fallen off due to my excessively steamy shower and had left a collection of plaster powder on the floor. And in the powder I could see footprints. Squirrel footprints.

I knew I had to act fast, for you must have known that the game was nearly up. I quickly went to my car and headed to Whole Foods and bought two bags of granola and one bag of fucking brand squirrel poison, which was on sale. I emptied one of the granola bags into the squirrel poison and, after mixing the bag well, made the bag of poison appear to be a harmless bag of granola. And that is how it all transpired.”

The squirrel was by now, of course, quite dead. I quickly took an impression of its feet by use of a mold I had brought for that very purpose. I then compared the mold to an outline of the footprints I had found in the plaster dust in my room. They matched perfectly. After asking around for a bit I learned from the other squirrels that this particular squirrel was a no good scoundrel. Apparently, he had become addicted to granola several years ago and was unable to shake the habit. As his money supply dwindled he became more and more desperate and eventually turned to crime, robbing the good people of Samford University, often at gunpoint. But no longer. The administration soon learned of my heroic deed and after I received my medal for unusual cleverness from the president of the school, I remembered that I was still late for class and headed straight over. And that, Dr. Watson, is why I haven’t been to class for the past three days.” I finally finished. The room was quiet except for the distant sound of the lawnmowers that wafted through the window. Dr Watson stared at me, his normally stoic face awash with amazement.

“Well, I say, that was all rather brilliant William, but how did you manage to get the squirrel to meet you on the path?” said Dr. Watson.

“Elementary, my dear… err… Dr. Watson." I explained, "For quite some time I have had the uncanny feeling of being watched every time I walked past the Pete Hanna Center on my way to class, and I rightly surmised that the squirrel must have been watching me from one of the trees that dot the hillside. I simply walked down the path, as if on my way to class, munching on some delicious and healthy organic granola. I knew the squirrel hadn’t had a fix in days and that it would have no choice other than to approach me.”

“Marvelous, simply marvelous William!” exclaimed Dr. Watson, “But now to business. Since you haven’t been with us in quite some time why don’t you start us off translating?” he said

“But of course” I replied as I reached into my bag for my homework. It wasn’t there. My mind suddenly flew back, across the quad, over tailbird circle and up the very path where the squirrel was defeated, through several doors and into my room, where my homework lay on my roommate’s table, just where I left it. I turned to Dr. Watson and smiled sheepishly.

“Charles, you do know that since you have already missed 3 classes I will be forced to fail you if you are unable to present your homework”

“Ah yes, of course.” I said nervously. Thinking fast, I reached for the only thing that I had left in my bag. ”But before I start, I was wondering if anyone would like to sample some delicious granola?”